no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
