when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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