I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.