you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
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I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
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By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...