Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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