Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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