but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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