HIV tests are more positive than that guy
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
50% drunk capacity currently
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him