Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
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Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND