What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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