At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
