apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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