The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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