i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
