Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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