You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
