I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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