apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
