so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
