i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
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