I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
