My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
