thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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