I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
