You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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