Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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