My cat gives me a boner
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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