I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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