I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
