My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
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Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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