yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
