he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize