So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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