I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
