Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
