so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
