Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
