JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
