I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
