I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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