you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
