You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
