i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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