The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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