The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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