she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
