Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
