Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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