Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
