Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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