well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
