i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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