And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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