My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
40s are totally the cure
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
