it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
