I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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