Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I did not marry a roomba.
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