it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
