get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
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I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
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Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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