god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
