my phone needs a breathalizer
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
where am i from again
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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